go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
