turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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