I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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