I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
