I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
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1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The struggles of a small town man whore
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I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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