You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died