Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
COCAINE IS GR8
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
