I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
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Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
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Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available