Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.