omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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