cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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