just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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