Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
