You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
