yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize