so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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