oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
