I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
