I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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