Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
