After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Acid is not a monday night drug
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
