I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
