3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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