I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
