jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
