I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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