i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
