he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
