Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you didnt know i had herpes?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
