I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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