I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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