Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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