yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
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