I wish my penis had an off switch
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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