there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
