I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize