I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
