It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
