i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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