i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
