He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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