my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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