So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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