So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
