why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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