I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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