Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
