I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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