If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
