She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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