Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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