6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
