just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
