He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
