Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
