Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
