is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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