i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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