Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
